2nd Article From The “Foods Are Yummy” Series

Why Everyone Should Eat Ice Cream (Comical Essay)

(disclaimer: for entertainment purposes. MOST FACTS ARE UNTRUE)

Written by Food Critics: Amy Zheng, Joyce Zhu, and Ellen Wu

“Without ice cream there would be darkness and chaos.” Don Kardong

Everybody should eat ice cream because ice cream is very very healthy. Plus, ice cream will make your brain funky and you will be happy. When you are happy, you will succeed. So everyone should eat ice cream to succeed. Also, did you know that ice cream will make you IMMORTAL? Isn’t that cool? Well, that’s why you should eat ice cream. Even though everybody says that ice cream is unhealthy and it makes you fat, and blah blah blah, it’s not true! Ice cream is the healthiest food in the world so you should eat it so yeah.

The first reason why everybody should eat ice cream is because ice cream has a bunch of milk inside it. And milk will make you grow tall, and when you are tall you can become a model, and when you are a model you can get money, and if you have money then you will live a happy life. And then you will succeed as I said before. So eating ice cream could make you succeed in life and have a super cool high-paying job!!! Also, you will lose weight! Overweight people who eat ice cream lose 50% of their fat a day!!! Isn’t that cool?!

Also, ice cream will make you IMMORTAL! That’s because ice cream is super duper cold, and so it will freeze your brain which will stop you from aging and of course make your brain funky!!! So ice cream could make you live forever! It can also help you remember more stuff because if you read something then you can have a bunch of knowledge thingies, and since your brain is frozen, all the knowledge thingies will freeze inside of your brain and won’t escape. Which is awesome!

So ice cream is cold which makes it a solid so it will make you feel like you’re eating a lot of ice cream but then it will melt and you won’t actually be eating that much because then you will be full and you’re eating a bunch of liquid stuff which won’t make you fat. So then ice cream will make you lose weight. So ice cream is very good for you and will make you very skinny and you can be a model!!! Also mentioned in the last paragraph. See, even Don Kardong, a very famous author and runner who went to Stanford said, “Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos.” (actual quote) You don’t want darkness and chaos. You want ICE CREAM!!!

The last reason is because all the teachers love to eat ice cream. Even Ms. Crain, the sixth grade A&E teacher said that her favorite dessert is “Haagen Dazs or Halo Pub mint chocolate chip ice cream” (actual quote). See, even the teachers (who know everything) like ice cream! That means that all the teachers love ice cream so you should love it too because teachers know everything!

So that means you should eat ice cream! Because “without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos”.

But it’s okay! BECAUSE WE HAVE ICE CREAM!!! EVERYBODY EAT ICE CREAM!!! *applause*